This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
