I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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