the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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