We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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