Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
