Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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