She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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