Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
