I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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