So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
