I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
