I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
