i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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