Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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