this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
