I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize