Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
