Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
