I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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