Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
