Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
