I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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