Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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