I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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