My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
