Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
