Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
