So drunk its hurt
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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