I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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