if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
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