I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
