when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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