I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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