if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
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