If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I came so hard my ears popped.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
