would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
