saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
