She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
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All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
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I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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