How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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