Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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