Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
