i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
