My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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