So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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