It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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