I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
