Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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