Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
