Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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