I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
love makes seman taste better
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
