At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
