Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
