i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize