I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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