I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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