when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
