After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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