i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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