so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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