Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
farters have to be the big spoon...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
