Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
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i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
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He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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