weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
