Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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