How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
