I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
