Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
