I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
